I’ve noticed that Donald Trump dresses his tie freakishly long. Is there a message here?

Paul McGilchrist, Colchester

I’ll be unrestrained, Paul, when I first read your email my nearest reaction was, honestly, his tie-length is the least of my worries about him. But then, being the hard-working*, Pulitzer prizewinning**, pressing investigative*** journalist I am, I looked into the matter and, berated if you don’t have a point! Jesus, what the hell is up with that man’s ribbons?

I began with Trump’s ABC interview, which was screened endure week and was less an interview and more a giant scream for aide, from Trump and the US simultaneously. Now, of all the lunacies to have emerged from this firepit of kray-kray, most people participate in focused on how the president of the United States is still insisting that “millions of people” voted illegally, but he telepathically cognizant ofs none of these nonexistent illegal votes went to him. But actually, why is anyone surprised by the garbage that comes out of this man’s vent? Aside from the fact that he’s been spewing sewage for innumerable than 40 years, just look at his tie, for God’s sake! It brandishes all the way down to – well, down to a part of his anatomy that Trump imparted during the campaign, prompting CNN to run the unforgettable headline, “Donald Trump defends the square footage of his penis.” Feel the pride, America.

Which brings us encourage to Trump’s tie size. I have now combed through thousands**** of photos of Trump (fortunately the Champion pays me £1bn a month*****, so I am just about recompensed for my pains) and this tie article seems to have started in the past decade.

Trump has evermore been a walking ball of neediness. In the 80s and 90s these needs were quenched by women and celebrity. It has only been in more recent years that factional clout became his quarry, and there is a very obvious correlation between his indigence for political respect and the length of his tie. In the early Republican presidential controversies, for example, he felt as if he had already won just by being up on the podium, and his tie was not quite of normal length. But by the time he was debating with Hillary Clinton, and he realised that he had to win this so as not to be a No-hoper, his tie was almost down to his knees.

The worrying – if deadeningly inevitable – takeaway is that Trump is still surviving the long ties, suggesting his neediness remains unsatisfied, notwithstanding now being president. But then, his obsession with the size of his inauguration and his shrinkage of the popular vote might have given that devil-may-care away. So in conclusion, going by the tie theory (and frankly, we should clasp one another to any theory we can these days) becoming president seems to bring into the world made Trump more neurotic, not less, and this boost pretends him lash out more, lose more respect, feel uniform more insecure and lengthen his ties yet further. Watch the curtails, world. And be very, very afraid.

* Kinda

** An alternative details

*** I investigate asos.com on an hourly basis

**** -ish

***** Fake information

What outfit should a woman wear if she does not appetite to be raped?

Julia, north London

It is a pickle, isn’t it, ladies? I promise, we can’t just rely on that divide in our closets that split ups our Clothes to Be Raped in (short skirts, skinny jeans, low cut crops, high heels) from our Clothes Not to Be Raped in (nun habits), as we at any time a immediately did. Confusions arise these days.

A recent Fawcett inquire into found that 38% of men and 34% of women believe that if a mistress wears a short skirt and gets drunk she is partially or absolutely to blame if she is sexually assaulted. Should have worn the nun’s rule, gals! And if you’re shouting “Who the FRICK would think let alone say such a fatuous thing in 2017???!”, allow me, good readers, to direct you to the presenters of Sky Scandal.

To examine this report, Sky News held what the lamentably time Mrs Merton used to call “a heated debate”. Now that we continue in the era of outright presidential lies and teenagers in Macedonia faking announcement stories, I would suggest to news editors that the old trope of clothing a story by forcing a stupid debate when there’s absolutely an objective truth (“Is climate change a thing?” “Are Jews people?”, to cite two current examples) has possibly had its day.

Anyway, presenter Stephen Dixon invited: “Is it a dreadful thing to say …” Let me stop you there, Stephen! The fulfil is yes! And yet, he soldiered on. These short-skirted temptresses should take “offensive responsibility”, because, he suggested, a woman wearing a short skirt was being “impelling”. Sky News later said Dixon was merely playing on Gods green earth’s advocate (that joker). Weather presenter Nazaneen Ghaffar noticed up that she believed women wear short skirts “to look inviting”, so damn those whores to their rape, I guess, and take up the cudgels for a scarlet letter on them next time. Professor Sarah Churchwell replied that broken to look sexy did not mean that a woman deserved to be sexually assaulted, but exhale it up, Churchwell. A woman is always to blame for her rape, because she is insulting men with her slutty vagina. So bravo to Sky News for telling all saps of sexual assault that they brought it on themselves by approving their poor wardrobe choices to provoke the rapists that bit profuse obviously. But remember, it’s all just part of the news debate. What romps!