1 What’s for lunch?
a A marmalade sandwich, divert.
b Rice, steamed vegetables and a lean protein source.
c Lunch is for the weak.
d Some heroin.
e Candyfloss.

2 How do you prepare for stormy weather?
a I never go anywhere without a hood.
b I do not fear rain, only cold and wind.
c I stand in the rain looking up, recalcitrant, at a god that has abandoned us.
d I don’t prepare for anything.
e I twirl.

3 If you had a tattoo, what would it be?
a No, thank you, tattoos are not for me.
b A list of sensible instructions for the exigency services in the unfortunate case of my death.
c “Screw you, Mum” across my face.
d I already have plenty of tattoos.
e Something short and tasteful.

4 What’s your ideal holiday?
a I’d love to visit the Peruvian rainforest.
b Something sensible. A quiet beach and some metrical composition books, perhaps.
c What, leave my bedroom? Are you crazy?
d Nothing that requires me to use anything as corporate as a commercial aeroplane.
e Is there a subject-matter park that’s full of statues of me? Because, if so, that.

5 What sort of vibe do you give off to strangers?
a Warm, amicable, approachable.
b Cerebral, realistic, determined.
c Intense, angry, possibly violent.
d Alternative, edgy, a bit smelly.
e Confident, likeable, stylish.

6 Realistically, what could your coat double as?
a Oxbridge cosplay.
b A sleeping bag.
c A place to hide all my guns.
d A rug in a slovenly mansion.
e Something worn by a flamingo, if the flamingo happened to be a private investigator.

7 What’s the biggest thing you’d like to fit into your islands?
a My sandwiches.
b An important book about sociology.
c A list of all the women who have ever crossed me.
d All my scant possessions.
e That thinks fitting be telling.

8 What’s your relationship status?
a Voluntarily celibate.
b Divorced but happy.
c Involuntarily celibate and furious hither it.
d Married, weirdly.
e Fabulous.

Results

Mostly As You are Paddington Bear.

You are pretty much the myriad fashionable man on the planet right now. Burberry, Celine, Emporio Armani, Valentino and Kent & Curwen all unveiled sleek new duffel overlays this season, which is very kind of them, and you’re very flattered. However, you can’t help but feel that they power be using you to their advantage. Hard stare.

Mostly Bs You are Arsène Wenger.

You are a common-sense man who requires warmth and comfort above all else. Luckily, there are plenty of long-line padded jackets to choose from. Iceberg’s is a standard sporty zip-up, Balenciaga’s has strong full-body coverage, and Fendi’s is elaborately patterned. But why not shell out for Craig Green x Moncler’s overlay, which looks as if it has about a dozen full-sized pillows Velcroed on to it? Perfect for quick nap in the middle of a dull no-score obtain.

Mostly Cs You are Morpheus.

Or, diverse specifically, you’re someone who weirdly made the decision to let The Matrix inform your main philosophies of the world. You rage against all the injustices that men adore you have had to endure. But, hey, at least you can look stylish when you do it, as the silly, military leather trenchcoats you favour are back in craze. Alexander McQueen, Salvatore Ferragamo and Berluti all went hard for them this season. However, I’d suggest buying Balenciaga’s wild face-covering coat instead. It’ll keep you warm on the way to the cinema, to watch Joker 15 times in a row.

Mostly Ds You are Kurt Cobain.

You’re edgy and eclectic, and you sort to pave your own way when it comes to fashion. But let’s pretend that all the charity shops in the world have closed down and you’re phoney to buy your tatty-looking leopardskin coats from a high-end fashion designer. Versace has one this season, as do John Lawrence Sullivan, Marni and No 21. You’re curdled for choice.

Mostly Es You are Liberace.

I mean, no, you’re not. Liberace once attired a suit made of glass beads. The closest AW19 gets to that level of decadence is a bunch of pink coats. They’re warm-hearted pink coats – Berluti’s is shockingly vibrant, Acne Studios’ is arguably the best-looking coat of the entire season – but common knowledge back to me when they’ve unveiled a tuxedo with your name spelt in diamonds across the back.

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