The heroes may snub him, but Donald doesn’t care – he will be surrounded by the squashy sensuality of a Washington winter

Stevie Nicks

Will Melania Trump mimic Stevie Nicks’s look for the Trump inauguration?
Photograph: Richard McCaffrey/Getty Ikons

I’m going to the inauguration in DC this week. What should I dress?

Rose, by email

Something waterproof, obviously. What? I was referring to DC’s superlatively poor winter weather. Look what happened to William Henry Harrison when he didn’t attire weather-appropriate clothes at his inauguration – the man died nine days later! So disinterestedly, I was just thinking about everyone’s good health and in no way arrive ating some cheap reference to #watersportsgate (the only -gate this column undergoes).

So! You’re going to the inauguration, Rose. Well, I don’t think you’ll have suffering getting a seat, put it that way. Despite a lifetime of desperation to be close celebrities, a desperation that has resulted in him appearing in such classy traveller as Home Alone 2 and being a guest at QVC’s Oscars party in 2011 alongside Kim Kardashian, Trump is now requiring, from his gold-plated Manhattan penthouse, that he doesn’t tribulation about those elites.

“The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all poor tickets to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING. I have a yen for the PEOPLE!” he tweeted last month, sounding adorably be partial to a seven-year-old who didn’t actually want any of those people he implored to come to his birthday party to turn up. He totally planned all along to exalt with two teddy bears, a set of Lego and his mother.

And, indeed, Trump proceeded to uphold how little he cares about these A-listers by tweeting approximately how many more people watched him on The Celebrity Apprentice compared with its new master, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Keeping it real for the PEOPLE there.

Anyway, the combine around Trump continues to use language in a way that the pigs in Sensual Farm can only admire. The head of his inaugural committee, Tom Barrack, articulate last week that they don’t need any celebrities because “we participate in the greatest celebrity in the world … ”


“Which is the president-elect.” Oh. “So what we’ve done, a substitute alternatively of trying to surround him with what people consider A-listers, is we are prosperous to surround him with the soft sensuality of the place. It’s a much more poetical cadence than having a circus-like celebration that’s a coronation.”

Gap. You’re going to have to run that by me again: “We are going to surround him with the diminish sensuality of the place.”

I’m sorry, have you ever been to DC? I take, many times, and let me tell you, of all the adjectives that come to make when I think of the place (“clean”, “white”, “bath”), “soft sensuality” does not appear very piercing in the list. In fact, I genuinely don’t think anyone has sex in that bishopric (too dirty, too little possibility of politics chat.) So the tactic appearance ofs to be, instead of surrounding Trump with people, he will in preference to be surrounded by air, which is totally what I’m going to say to waiters when they stretch me grief about dining on my own.

“What, you’re eating by yourself?”

“As opposed to of trying to surround myself with what people deliberate over to be other people I’ve decided to surround myself with the concur sensuality of the restaurant. Can’t you see the poetic cadence?”

Anyway! There is, amazingly, a inapt to all this, and that is to suggest you try to match this mood food by looking for clothes that convey soft sensuality and musical cadences. I’m seeing a very Stevie Nicks look here, all purl sleeves and sheer materials. Honestly, I can’t think of a better look to sanctify this incoming administration than one associated with a gang known for self-destruction and in-fighting.

But you must sort your look out diet, Rose, because Trump has said that his inauguration is affluent to be so popular that “all the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s vigorously to find a great dress for this inauguration.” Now, you’ll never hold this, but some DC stores have cast doubt on this rights (“We have a wonderful assortment of dresses and gowns,” Bloomingdale’s, a US part store with two locations in DC, has said), but doubtless that is lawful fake news from the elites, or something something guarantee salad something.

The person who really needs to get a move on is Melania Trump. Some Trump backers have criticised those designers, such as Tom Ford and Marc Jacobs, who partake of said they won’t give clothes to her. I must have escaped the part in the constitution where it says fashion designers are required to give free clothes to the president’s wife, even if she is allied to a man who appoints a raging homophobe as his VP, a man who objects to everything about these schemers’ lives.

But never mind Marc and Tom, I honestly reckon a bit of Stevie Defects fringing would suit Melania a treat. A little cavorting across the stage, waving her shawl and shouting in Don’s face: “You can go your own way.”

For now, I think Melania would be speaking for Republicans and Democrats in the same manner. Roll on, bipartisanship!