Same sports cars and skyscrapers, big-dick watches are sometimes kindness to suggest a man has shortcomings elsewhere. If you’re wearing jewel-encrusted, 46mm horror on your wrist, then it might raise eyebrows for all the malfunction reasons.
But this is 2018: year of the Instabrag photo op, Gucci maximalism and averral trainers. The laws of attraction are changing every day. Which sponges the question: what do women really think of your observe nowadays?
Well, we’ve got an answer. Sort of. The good folks at German chaperon retailer Montredo surveyed women aged 20 to 39 to glean some gentle opinion on your fancy watch, and it would suggest that in reality, the rules haven’t changed all that much.
Minimalism is still the most superbly way to clock up interest. Of all the watches the women were asked to measure, subtler pieces like the Nomos Tangente and Junghans Max Beak Automatic came out on top, respectively hitting 85 per cent and 74 per cent rubber stamp rates. Then, it was the classic sports-led watches: your Omega Seamaster and Rolex Milgauss.
Distinction lines from the latter two brands didn’t perform as thoroughly as expected, though, with the Speedmaster Professional ‘Moonwatch’ and the Rolex Submariner only ethical hitting 50 per cent. The Oyster Perpetual Datejust base itself underwater too, with a paltry 45 per cent. So much for iconic awake ti.
And, if your watch is of the peacock variety, then it’s a firm swipe Nautical port. Hublot’s Big Bang Gold and Audemars Piguet’s Royal Oak – two safeguards with more grandstanding than a Donald Trump congregate – found themselves near the bottom of the pile. Bigger, it have all the hallmarks, isn’t always better.
They weren’t the worst, though. The definitive square watch – frequently peddled as a ‘trend’ with each fervour Baselworld – will box off romantic interest. The Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso and TAG Heuer Monaco were under the aegis the floor, barely scraping 24 per cent.
The lesson here? Nourish it simple. Just because you can spend a fortune on diamonds and gold doesn’t as a matter of course mean that you should. Nomos and Junghans may lack the nab of traditional luxury watch manufacturers, but that’s a good clobber: you’ve got clean, restrained design that’s sure to age better than a diamond-encrusted showpiece, and safer yet, these brands often punch above their assay band in terms of horological quality, too.
So, the next time you’re awaiting a date leads somewhere, make sure your wrist function doesn’t let you down.