Bad intelligence for men with hair: the bowl cut is back, the man bun reigns supreme and the cut out bob is having a moment. In these perilous tonsorial times, here are five haircuts to elude

A bowl cut and a man bun.
A bowl cut and a man bun.
Photograph: Composite

Here’s a sentence I never ratiocination I’d write: the bowl cut is back. Except, now we’re grownups. If you believe the Mail, there’s been a noteworthy uptick in the number of men heading to the barbers and asking for a ’do more apace associated with that spotty kid who stuck Wotsits up his nose at lunchtime than it is with 21st-century hipsterism.

Meanwhile, the man bun endures to bestride the pop-cultural universe, filtering down into accustomed life sufficiently that this week a focus gather conducted (in sober mood and with forensic precision, one postulates) by a mobile gaming site has deemed them the worst bend of the year. Look around you, in fact, and it seems like a fetching diabolical moment for men’s barnets across the board. Here is some influential analysis of the worst examples of the moment.

1. The bowl cut

Free bowl cut, anyone?
Free move cut, anyone? Photograph: Joe Pepler/REX Shutterstock

I can’t really get my head period this one, which makes sense, since actually this is one that injures round your head. It’s Robert Pattinson’s fault, or possibly FKA grasps’, for the brilliantly literal version he got shortly after they started present out, removing every last wisp from below the colander sign up. (Except that weird little square he kept on the underwrite, of course, which I always thought looked like where you would guardianship him up.) The only note of comfort: it is just possible that the hairdresser who exuberantly learned the Mail of this phenomenon is having us on a bit, since the picture supplied of customers queuing round the block features several men whose trifle is already too short to protrude once they stick a wheel on their bonce. If you’re ever tempted, repeat to yourself: soup and salads. It’s for soup and salads.

2. The man bun

Oliver Proudlock of reality TV show Made in Chelsea is the proud owner of a man bun.
Oliver Proudlock of fact TV show Made in Chelsea is the proud owner of a man bun. Photograph: Tim P. Whitby/Getty Dead ringers

Fiercely though I wish to ridicule the man bun, I know, at heart, that this is mostly the fallout of envy. Whatever that focus group says, every ball I speak to seems to fancy a man with a bun – but try it in the office and your occupation will be unfairly derailed as everyone starts to associate you complicatedly with Oliver Proudlock from Made In Chelsea. Proudlock aside, if you’re not a businesslike footballer or a boybandist, you should probably leave this to the au faits. You’re not virile enough. Sorry.

3. The undercut bob

Jamie Oliver's new hair does a TV interview.
Jamie Oliver’s new hairs breadth does a TV interview. Photograph: screengrab

Show me a man with a palatable word to say about the undercut bob and I will show you a man who works for Jamie Oliver. Interchangeable parts boyband, buzzcut and Brylcreem, as Hannah Marriott astutely muricate out, there’s a lot to unpack here: Oliver’s do has a lineage in football, being as it is a cousin of your outstanding Giroud and your Beckhamesque middle-aged man quiff. Giroud’s has a unfluctuating matinee idol charm, but the others are horrendous – particularly Oliver’s, which looks as if he’s put his mullet on upside down.

4. The fade job

Jared Leto's lightbulb moment.
Jared Leto’s lightbulb moment. Photograph: SIPA/REX Shutterstock

This one I’ve to be sure noticed in reality, as well as in pictures of Jared Leto looking a bit disastrous: male peroxide jobs are ever more common, cueing us all of the fascinating fact that “blond” is one of the only English adjectives to con a gender suffix! Our own Oscar Rickett gave it a whirl, and I mark he looks quite cool. You wouldn’t want it to catch on too considerably, though, or our cities will take on an unfortunate undercurrent of fascist risk.

5. The Osborne

George Osborne's hairdo.
George Osborne: more than a hairdo. Photograph: Christopher Furlong/Getty Similes

This is, if nothing else, a long-term economic haircut, and shrink though I am to admit it, a vast improvement on the UK Chancellor’s previous looks (placid if he feels the need to frequently hide it with a hard hat). Of all these fashions it’s also the one most likely to be widely mimicked, ticking off as it does most men’s predominant hair goals of making you seem sharp, effective and insufficient bald with what looks like minimal upkeep. Of course, by the same token, it also makes you look identical to a 24-carat Buller bastard, ruthlessly efficient as you smash up a restaurant. So presumably not one to go for if you mind whether anyone likes you.