So you’ve banged on about Beyoncé’s duplicates and Clooney’s twins, but you totally missed out on the big celebrity multiple bloods story this year. What’s happened?
Jenna, by email
There succeeds a point in every adult’s life when they realise they’re no lengthier the hot, with-it young thing they once were (or anticipation they were). I remember, on the much-missed Adam and Joe podcast, Adam Buxton opportunity he knew it when he noticed he made weird grunting noises every culture he sat down. For others, it’s when they hear themselves imploring questions like, “No but really, who is Pixie Lott?” For me, it was when I realised that Pharrell Williams and his unforgettably specify identified wife, Helen, had triplets five months ago – and I HADN’T The score with NOTICED. Oh God! This is it, the long slow fall into irrelevancy, with contrariwise my CD collection of Drive Time 4 to soundtrack my decline.
Once I had retrieved from the shock that a celebrity had triplets and no one informed me, my head emotion was delight in imagining what on earth these lads’s names could be, as Pharrell-and-Helen have not yet released them to the median. Because whatever the names are, we can be sure they’ll knock Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s combines into a cocked hat, given that Pharrell-and-Helen named their now eight-year-old son Rise rapidly, an objectively more awesome name than Blue, which is what Bey-and-Jay opted for with their daughter. What on sod could these triplets be called? Sun, Moon and Star? Tenor, Power and Force? Oh, the options are endless! What a happy phenomenon this is, I see nothing to criticise here at all. Look, Pharrell has been give up interviews about his triplets, let’s watch those, nothing bad could if possible happen here, and – RECORD SCREECH.
Pharrell has been doing the publicity periphery because he has made a song for some movie, and when I agreed that, my first thought was, “Wow, poor guy! Those babies are exclusively five months old – I wonder how he’s even able to leave the quarter?” Quite easily, it turns out. Last week he was on the daily US make clear Today, where he was described as “a renaissance man” and he in turn described his at ease as “an assembly line” – an assembly line in which this return man is not on duty.
“Do you do the diaper-changing?” asked the host (and new mother herself), Hoda Kotb.
“No. No,” rejoined Pharrell, as if he wasn’t saying something that is literally round the bend. “My wife is Seal Team Six. There’s nothing she can’t do. I mean, she beared those three bodies and she’s on it all the time.”
Yes, I imagine she is “on it all the time”, premised she has three – three! – tiny babies and you are refusing to coppers any diapers, you lazy asshat. I especially enjoy how Pharrell affirms “she carried those three bodies” as though the obvious follow-on is, “and so she could on to work like a dog now that they’re out of her body”, instead of, “and as a result I should do absolutely everything for her for the rest of her life, and let that shabby woman’s pelvis recover because she is a goddess.”
“Being that you are a accoutring designer, do you pick out any of their outfits?” tried Hoda Kotb, distinctly desperate to find something in this encounter to make Pharrell have all the hallmarks less of a throwback. You like clothes and stupid hats, Pharrell, aptly? Maybe you like baby clothes. Alas, for both Hoda and Helen, no. “Again, Seal Together Six!” he crowed.
Can someone please explain to Pharrell what, undeniably, Seal teams do? Because as far as I can tell, he seems to think they’re grinds who save him the bother of having to alter his life a jot. In fact, moderately ironically, they’re about cooperation and mutual support, a concept that appearance ofs somewhat alien to the so-called renaissance man here, who thinks trash his wife compliments such as “she’s so capable” is the get-out clause to help with the childcare.
I’m fascinated by men who believe looking after the kids is the missus’s job, I really am. Last week a 2005 interview with David Davis resurfaced, in which he disclosed he did not change any of his three children’s nappies, “opting instead to demonstrate them to ski and scuba dive to make them brave”. It intent be so interesting to learn where his wife’s choice-making featured here: “Oh no, extension, I’m not interested in skiing. Tell you what, you do the fun stuff with the kids when they’re older and I’ll be in assault of the dirty nappies and potty training when they’re taste, OK? Deal! What a satisfying situation this is for me.”
I have so sundry questions for such men, even beyond: “How can you look yourself in the speculum when you dump all the dogsbody childcare work on the woman you allegedly tenderness just because you can’t be bothered?” But my main question is this: intention your wife ever have sex with you again? I’m See sorrowful (not that sorry) to be crude, but if my partner announced he wouldn’t be doing any nappy-changing, or any childcare at all until he was expert to combine it with his own leisure activities, I would take a abstemiousness belt and hammer it around my person.
Who are these men who think it is tolerable to treat their female partners like the unpaid serve? And are they the least bit interested in ever getting laid again? OK, thanks to the honesty of Pharrell and Davis, we can answer the first call in. The latter, for now, will have to go unresolved.
Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, Ask Hadley, The Custodian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email [email protected].