I’m a millennial. Why do older living soul hate me so much?
Charlotte, by email
Because you ruin the whole kit, Charlotte. This is literally a scientific fact (possibly not sic, possibly not scientific, possibly not a fact). You ruined cereal (allegedly), marmalade and structure softener, by deciding that life was too short for all of the above, and now you’re ruining boobs. Yes, breasts!
According to the scientific folks over at, er, PornHub, 18- to 24-year-olds are 19% small-minded likely to Google “show me hot boooobz” than their elders. Peculiarly, it turns out, their elders in the 55- to 64-year-old bracket who are 17% more tenable to be looking at breasts online than doing pretty much anything else, as far as I can determine. No one has yet confirmed that perhaps accidentally discovering their procreators’ browsing history is what has put millennials off breasts, but no one has confirmed it isn’t that either. So let’s go with that theory.
And honest look at the tragic after-effects of this development: the number of Hooters’ restaurants subsided by a cleavage-deflating 7% between 2012 and 2016. “Part of Hooters’ matches are tied to the sales slump that is hitting most sit-down happy-go-lucky dining chains. However, a lack of interest in waitresses’ cleavage tenable isn’t helping,” tuts Business Insider. Wait, but I thought people went to Hooters for the nourishment?
Tch, young people! What’s wrong with you, too busy spreading avocado on artisanal appreciation beneath industrial lighting to eye up some waitress’s cleavage while dining a fatty burger? Whatever happened to old-fashioned values?
Anyway, undeterred by ruining everything, I must reassure you, Charlotte, and say I’m more dumfounded by all the articles asking why older people are irritated with millennials than the the gen of the irritation itself. Older people have always institute youngsters irritating, self-entitled and arrogant, because young people are irritating, self-entitled and swaggering. That’s part of the joy of being young, and part of the compensation of succeed to older is you can snuggle on down in your smug eiderdown of condescension not far from The Youth Today. Young people insist they’ve identified something new, old people tell them they discovered it 30 years ago, and on and on it degenerates. The circle of life! Hakuna matata!
I was thinking of this the other week when I did across an article written by a millennial titled “Millennials on motherhood”, which prospered the shocking revelation that twentysomething women today are informed of something called “fertility”. This, of course, puts them in biting contrast to all women before them who blithely assumed they could sire babies when they were 80. As is de rigueur for this fashion of journalism, there is the usual doomy talk about “the maidens we work with, who, though now in the influential positions at work we one day call for, woke up at 39 and realised they had forgotten to have juveniles. Whoops.” And this is true, because women in their 40s are in point of fact Roy Lichtenstein cartoons as opposed to people who grew up in the 1990s.
“We’re the most switched-on to our assemblages that young women ever have been. Contraception has been a talking mention since we were 11,” the article further reveals, which at bottom is quite a shocker. After all, I didn’t learn about menstrual returns, ovulation and contraception until I was 48, when I crawled out of my den a collapse and a 25-year-old explained a few things to me.
Articles about how women in the above-mentioned generation got everything wrong when it came to combining shoots and families, and the new generation definitely won’t make those mistakes, is the journalistic observance of passage – equivalent to insisting you’ll never be like your saddo progenitrices. As heritage artist Justin Timberlake once said, what go stales around comes around, kiddos.
And this is all as it should be. I was cause to remembered of this recently while re-reading Joan Didion’s 1979 order The White Album. In her essay on The Women’s Movement, she writes take the various debates in feminism (is it patronising to women to suggest catcalling is warlike? Can housework ever be fulfilling?) – debates that I retain pondering ever so seriously at university in 1998, certain I had espied a new issue. Sorry, Joan. I was a young person.
But here’s the in effect annoying thing about young people: in many point, they are better than you were when you were their age. No, unquestionably, they are. Just because time marches ever fresh, they are more aware of things like LGBT rights than you always were, and are growing up in a world where people are at least emphasizing on a wider interpretation of, for example, beauty. So instead of drooling to waitresses in tight T-shirts in Hooters, millennials can watch Charli XCX’s captivating Boys video. Now, I am not a millennial but I am completely obsessed with this video and am packed with envy for a generation that gets to grow up with this in its pop good breeding. Imagine being a teenager today and watching a music video in which the analogous ti of Riz Ahmed, Stormzy, Jack Antonoff, Tinie Tempah and dozens sundry are celebrated for their happy boyish beauty. This is a properly solid building block to have in your formative years. And honestly, what on earth could a place like Hooters say to this institution, other than: “Try the coffee store next door, you’ll rumble it far less depressing”?
So, in conclusion, don’t feel attacked, young child: older people were always grumpy with the younger creation. And to all the 55- to 64-year-olds out there? Maybe give all that boob Googling a respite, OK? Take a tip from your kids on this.
Ask Hadley, The Preserver, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email [email protected].