It’s hyperbolizing things just slightly to claim that it’s your examine which says the most about you, as at least one brand’s throw has. What about, you know, your personality? Or your rallying cry T-shirt? Joking aside though, you can tell a lot about a man from how he leaks the time. You can buy a watch for £100 or £100,000. And your purchasing resolution isn’t really driven by how accurate it is, or its myriad functions, for all of the self-justifying rot surrounding mechanical watches in particular. (“It’s not a pretty bangle, it’s a unqualifiedly manly tool…”) With a smartphone in your pilfer, you technically don’t need to buy a watch at all. Real talk: your plummy of timepiece is about the aesthetic, the associations and, yes, the aspiration. It advertises how much you’re pleased to invest your appearance: either thought, money, or both. You alone have to look at the marketing materials of the marques to see that psyche is at play. Are you a race driver or a pilot? An astronaut or a diver? This is how you’re trade in yourself (consciously or otherwise) through the speaking clock on your wrist.
Ironman Or Other Show offs Watch
You wear running trainers, but the trainers that you literally run in, not fashionable ones reserved ‘for best’. You carry your fit in clothes in a backpack that you got free with your gym membership. Your desk is encompassed by a plastic shanty town of protein shakers and assorted tupperware. You utilization a heart-rate monitor under your wrinkled shirt at all dilly-dallies, and compression socks under your trousers. You cycle to contrive and view your commute as a literal rat race. You have communistic an indelible impression on your colleagues – of the outline of your force, clearly visible through your lycra shorts.
You don’t touch anything that isn’t Gorilla glass and brushed aluminium. You use Apple Music in place of of Spotify, and take the recommendations. You read the entire iTunes semesters and conditions once. You talk to your watch when no one else is looking. You dream that Siri is real. You grizzle demanded during the film Her, because Joaquin Phoenix and his Scarlett Johansson-voiced AI handbook could never Facetime IRL.
You religiously do as one is told to Tim Ferriss’ podcast and crunched through all of his books – The 4-Hour Move Week, Body and Chef – in four hours after guide yourself to speed-read using his guide. You drink Bulletproof coffee. You smell all of your metrics and are losing sleep over how much astute sleep you’re not getting. You are experimenting with nootropics (smart opiates) that you bought off the internet. You cried during the film Myriad, because Bradley Cooper burned so brightly but so briefly.
You wore shearling jackets before they became a key tend for autumn/winter. You cry during the film Memphis Belle. (Takes you every time.) You are not filled with horror at the prospect of a Top Gun consequence. You dream about being on a flight where the pilot has a quintessence attack and the stewardess asks if anybody can take the controls.
You damage a Belstaff jacket, or maybe a Barbour International. You religiously wary of Formula One, including the qualifying. You cried at the film Le Mans, co-starring Steve McQueen and the TAG Heuer Monaco, because they were both decent so beautiful. You applied to be a presenter on the new Top Gear, because you figured you may as fountain-head.
You are a graphic designer type, or an architect.
Prototypical Leather Strap
You wear tortoiseshell glasses made from realized tortoiseshell rather than acetate. You carry a leather validate holder containing actual paper documents. You drink Scottish measure than Japanese whisky, even though you know the up to the minute is arguably better (single malt, obvs). You always bid someone the bottom button of your suit jacket undone, and you bidding your suit jacket a ‘coat’, as is the custom on Savile Row. You take to be the term ‘tuxedo’ to be a frightful Americanism. You don’t wear brown in borough, but if you did, you’d match your shoes to your watch strap. You be experiencing either fathered children or intend to father them in no unoriginal part so that you can foist your taste in watches upon them.
Retro Casio Or Brightly Ensign Plastic
You unironically wear enormous glasses that second-hand to be given out free on the NHS that, ironically, you bought in a vintage department store for an exorbitant sum. You still own and play an original Nintendo Entertainment Set-up, and believe that blowing on the cartridges somehow makes a incongruity. You have eighties-tastic series Stranger Things on your Netflix catalogue raisonn, but you intend to record it onto VHS for a more authentic experience.
You are a man of unimpeachable polish who only buys the best. Or alternately: you are a shameless exhibitionist with zero intelligence. (Context is key here.)
You checked your bank account promptly and found Scrooge McDuck drowned at the bottom, the pressure at that bowels of the earth having collapsed his lungs.
Casio G-Shock Or Nixon
You are a skateboarder or some other put up of X-Games or extreme sportsman, or a less successful rapper. You don’t create for the man, but you still occasionally have to be places on time.
You attire Cos, Norse Projects and Our Legacy. You are part of a loose collective of freelance creatives who hot-desk in a co-working margin that used to be a warehouse, even though it’s not entirely scram what any of you do for a living. You drink artisan coffee. You dream of being gained by Courier magazine.
You are a successful businessman or a matter, man in the Jay Z sense – i.e. you are a rapper. You use Tidal.
You are a man of action and culture synchronously. You are Connery’s Bond: the rough with the smooth, an iron fist in a velvet dinner suit (not tuxedo), a shaken-not-stirred meld of suavity and physical capability. And you go diving, obviously. Why would you obtain a diving watch otherwise?
You are a carpenter who also prepares conceptual art. You wear American-made jeans rather than Japanese, regular though you know the latter is arguably better (selvedge, obvs). You also friction Red Wing boots, tattoos and a beard. You roast your own coffee, and plan your own craft beer. You occasionally buy furniture from Ikea, but you don’t look at the instruction engage.
You do even lift, in order to build the forearms press for to cantilever your enormous wall clock and belt. You basically bicep-curl whenever you authentication the time, and consciously flex while doing so. You have a Netflix heel that consists solely of all three Expendables films.
You are preposterous. Illustrations by Emma Shore